Fireworks

Looooooooooooove thissssssssssssssssss songggggggggggggg. Just wild.

I'm Gonna Stay

I can't stop listening. This song is hurting me in a place that I forgot existed. It's the kind of hurt that you tucked away a long time ago. That, when you felt it, you knew you couldn't ever bear to feel it again, so you folded and folded and folded it into the tiniest square, and tucked it away in the depths of your body where nobody, not even you, was supposed to find it again. But it's here, right in front of me. I feel every stab. I embrace it, though. I know that if I don't, it will always be there, this tiny pain. So I embrace it, in the hopes that slowly it'll become less of a square, less of a burden on my small heart, and more of a dot that, over time, will dissolve away, fray and erode into nothingness. And it won't hurt anymore. I won't hurt anymore.

Confession

Okay. I hope this doesn't alarm anyone as that isn't my intention, but I'm going to share something that's been troubling me over the last few months. Some time in September, I developed a strange twitching in both of my hands. It would happen most often when I stretched out my fingers, but also when I clenched my hands into fists. Basically whenever my hands were not stationary, they were shaking. 

At first I thought it was a result of increased stress from gaining more responsibilities at work. I thought it might also be caffeine-related, as I drink about 3-4 cups of that liquid gold stuff everyday. And I thought it might be somewhat tied to a lack of sleep too, since having more responsibilities also meant I was losing sleep every night, thinking about all the things I had to do the next day. So I relaxed, cut back on coffee and tried to clear my mind before bed every night, but the twitching continued. And when I went to Hawaii for vacation in October, the twitching came along too. Kimberly was the first to notice it. We were having brunch one morning and I was holding my cup of coffee, unaware that I was shaking as I held it. She pointed it out to me, and both her and my mom were pretty concerned. So when we came back home, I made an appointment to see my doctor as soon as possible. When I met him and explained the situation, he ran some blood work tests and everything looked normal, so he suggested I see a neurologist. I made an appointment with a neurologist at Beth Israel, but the appointment was eventually cancelled due to some Thanksgiving week mix-up. I'm not sure it would have been very productive or informative anyway.

Long story short, I never got the chance to figure out why this was happening to me. And even as I type this, my hands continue to shake uncontrollably. And to be honest, I'm a little terrified. I'm no longer stressed out, hyped up on caffeine, or losing sleep. So why this continues to happen is a complete mystery to me. And it's a huge inconvenience too. It's not exactly fun to be practicing yoga while your hands are twitching. Or holding a cup of coffee and spilling it. Or struggling to hold food with my chopsticks (which was happening during dinner, prompting me to write this). I don't know. I don't know what to do, and I'm really scared right now. I guess I just wanted to share my fears here.