Change

Decided today to retire this bad boy that's been by my side, in good financial times and bad, for over seven years. Count it. High school and college. Perhaps a change (pun intended) in my monetary vessel will spark a change in my spending habits as well. But seeing as I had to buy a new wallet in order to replace this one, I probably wouldn't bet on it if I were you. On to bigger and better and shinier things!

I'm okay. I swear. In fact, I promise you. I just need everyone to know that because I'm so tired of having to put words to feelings I don't fully understand. It cheapens everything and makes me feel like I'm living in a bad '80s movie. I am doing the very best I can possibly do right now. That is all I can and know how to do. Please let me grapple with this on my terms and in my own ways, regardless of how destructive and unnecessary my actions may seem. I will get there, I promise you.

From Our Own Separate Sides

This song feels so right. I don't feel rushed.

Best

Curled my hair for fun this morning. Call me shallow, call me crazy, but I'm a huge believer in the self-empowerment one derives from looking their very best. When I feel like I look my best, it tends to follow that I will act like my best as well. It's probably all in my head but hey, whatever it takes dude. Whatever it takes.

Superstylin'

As you may have noticed, I've been rediscovering a lot of things as of late.Forgot how much I love this song. Nice way to start off a morning!

Henrik Bulow

Soundtracks

Remember Xanga? I rediscovered mine recently (definitely won't be sharing the link as it is beyond mortifying) and realized that it's been almost a full four years since I last used it. Ridiculous how so many things around and within me have changed, and yet a lot of things still haven't. For funsies, I thought I would revisit a compilation I made as an 18 year-old of what my soundtrack would be like if my life were made into a movie. Let's compare 18 year-old Melissa with almost-22 year-old Melissa, and evaluate.

SOUNDTRACK TO MY MOVIE (circa 2006)

Opening Credits: Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles

Waking Up: Sunrise - Norah Jones

Average Day: Love Song for No One - John Mayer

First Date: Turn Me On - Norah Jones

Falling in Love: Para tu Amor - Juanes

Love Scene: I Wanna Know - Joe

Fight Scene: Hear Me Out - Frou Frou

Breaking Up: Comfortable - John Mayer

Getting Back Together: I Want You Back - The Jackson 5

Secret Love: Does He Love You - Rilo Kiley

Life's Okay: As Long As You Love Me - The Backstreet Boys (NICE)

Mental Breakdown: 99 Problems - Jay-Z

Driving: Send Me On My Way - Rusted Root

Learning a Lesson: Goodbye to You - Michelle Branch

Deep Thought: Love and Some Verses - Iron & Wine

Flashback: Closer to Me - Dar Williams

Partying: Volare - Gypsy Kings

Happy Dance: The Only Difference - Panic! at the Disco

Regretting: Yesterday - The Beatles

Long Night: Split-Screen Sadness - John Mayer

Death Scene: Don't Miss You At All - Norah Jones

Closing Credits: She Is Beautiful - Andrew W.K. (An excellent choice, 18 year-old Melissa)

SOUNDTRACK TO MY MOVIE (now!)

Opening Credits: Ghostwriter - RJD2

Waking Up: Be (Intro) - Common

Average Day: Ceremony - New Order

First Date: Dust - Van Hunt

Falling in Love: Day Too Soon - Sia

Love Scene: Bandwitch - Broken Social Scene

Fight Scene: Slow Dancing In A Burning Room (Acoustic) - John Mayer

Breaking Up: Covered in Rain - John Mayer

Getting Back Together: I'd Do It All Again - Corinne Bailey Rae

Secret Love: Cosmic Love - Florence and the Machine

Life's Okay: If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix

Mental Breakdown: Soundtrack 2 My Life - Kid Cudi

Driving: This Must Be The Place - Talking Heads

Learning a Lesson: Lonely Tonight - Matt Wertz

Deep Thought: 4 AM - Kaskade

Flashback: I Think Ur A Contra - Vampire Weekend

Partying: Carry Out - Timbaland

Happy Dance: Can I Kick It? - A Tribe Called Quest

Regretting: How to Say Goodbye - Paul Tiernan

Long Night: Fine Young Cannibals - Wolf Parade

Death Scene: Out Loud - Dispatch

Closing Credits: She's Mine - Brett Dennen

Thoughts?

Graduation: Part Deux

Feels weird to be back here, but here I am. And this time, with the right people by my side.

Lost

Definitely still on this House/Ambient/Dance/Electronic fix I have going on; nothing else really compares right now. I remember downloading this song a couple of years back, when I was on a similar genre fixation period. It's interesting how only certain songs have the staying power to resonate so strongly during such vastly different times in one's life. Coincidentally, my upstairs neighbor seems to have decided now is a great hour for him/her/it to be practicing violin. Too apropos, no?

Happy?

My liver, my lungs, and my wallet are not happy with me right now. I'm sorry! Maybe next week I'll be easier on you all. But this week is just not my week. I apologize in advance. Especially you, liver. Sorry. My bad.

Malleability

I snapped this picture when I was in Boston over the weekend to visit one of my best friends (and to take a long-deserved respite from Manhattan and other things...I know, so traitorous). I think it's my favorite one of the set, but not for reasons one would assume. Kayla and I had spent all of Saturday afternoon walking around Brookline when we decided to meander through a nearby park. We found ourselves in front of what was supposed to be a nature sanctuary, but really just looked like a murky swamp totally devoid of visible lifeforms. No exaggeration. We lingered for a bit, wondering if that orange speck across the pond was really a bird (it turned out to be just an orange flag staked into the ground -- fail), I took a quick picture, and we moved on. Which is why I was so caught off guard last night when I went through my album again and stumbled upon this picture. It took a second glance to realize that this was the same unassuming lake we had both so quickly written off this weekend.
Sometimes it surprises me how malleable one's memory can be. After seeing the lake again, I wasn't so sure how I felt about it the first time, or what it really looked like after all. Part of me trusts my initial instincts that the lake really wasn't this lush and gorgeous, and that only a combination of perfect lighting and perfect timing could depict it as such. But a growing part of me is also becoming more and more swayed by this one picture. In my mind, it's what I want this lake to look like.
Everything looks better in retrospect. I don't know what I'm saying anymore.