I am so close to the finish line, I can almost taste it. It's literally right there. After all these years of slaving away at the hands of higher education and shaping what is supposed to be my "life plan" all the while trying to hustle everyday for a buck, I can't believe I'm finally here. I am ecstatic, exuberant, absolutely over the moon with myself. I'm also incredibly scared and nervous, still unsure of my real place in the world or what I am meant for in the long run. No more hand holding or guidance, not on an academic level or even a familial one; I am, for the first time in my life, literally and inconsolably alone.
This is not to say that I've never been independent until now. Actually, quite the opposite. I firmly believe that all throughout my life, I've been forced to come up with creative solutions to make ends meet, to pay my billz. I've always tried my best to steer clear of asking my parents for money or loans, especially given their financial circumstances. I think money has a tendency to complicate things, people. Unfortunately, money is also something that's been running through my mind nonstop as of late, something that is factoring hugely in the imminent career decisions I will soon be making. It breaks my heart every night to see my mother coming home at 8pm, exhausted beyond words and comprehension from tirelessly working 10-12 hour shifts. It eats at me every single night, gnaws at my insides and my conscience. In whatever career path I decide to embark upon, I need to know that I'll be able to provide for her when her body can no longer take these hours, in both a financial as well as emotional capacity. I really, really need to know this.
I also need to know that whatever choice I decide to make will ultimately make me a more satisfied person as a whole. I say "satisfied" and not "happier" because I've recently begun to realize that the idea of happiness is a little overrated and a lot misunderstood. One of the great things of having spent the last several years working in Human Resources as well as Staffing and Recruiting is the overwhelming amount of exposure I've had with older and wiser people, people who, even today, continue to assist me as both career resources and -- more importantly, in my opinion -- friends. And the most important piece of advice that I've learned from my numerous mentors is that jobs are only a means to an end, and not necessarily an end in itself. Cliched, but you'd be surprised how many people don't figure this out until far too late. I've interviewed so many people recently who are at the end of their road emotionally and physically, people with incredible jobs monetarily speaking but who are burnt out and so unbelievably dissatisfied with their livelihoods. Believe me, I'm an incredibly money-motivated person and I've always aggressively pursued all relevant opportunities. But if it means having to take a cut in paycheck so that I can spend more time volunteering at the Bowery Residents' Committee, then so be it. I know my own strengths and limitations. I'm willing to take that risk.
I guess becoming aware of the difficulties and nuances inherent to a job search and the initiation of one's career definitely shows that I'm, at the very least, becoming a little bit wiser, a little bit smarter. I look back at the person I was three and a half years ago, and the long trajectory I've had to take in order become the person that I am now; it surprises me, but I can honestly say that I am incredibly proud of myself and the things that I've accomplished. Sure, maybe my academic standings don't necessarily reflect it, but I can see the amount of growth I've had in this short and yet inexplicably long period of time. It's visible in the way I now hold myself, regard myself. In my new outlook and perspectives and overall life experiences. Although I'm still unsure of it, I'm beginning to get a better sense of my ultimate place in the greater scheme of things, and perhaps what I need to do now in order to get there.
I can see the finish line, and I know that I am finally ready to cross it.
