Done!

In my humble opinion, there is nothing more satisfying than crossing off The Very Last Thing on any to-do list.

Coping

I've been avoiding having to do this all week, but I think that seeing it down in writing will make it more real to me. Tomorrow I will wake up and prove that the last fifteen years of my academic life -- and I suppose my real one as well -- have not been in vain. I could cry right now from the unspoken nervousness that I've felt this week. There are knots in my stomach and my heart hurts.

I passed by a church the other day that had a quote from Serena Williams, talking to herself during the Australian Open final this year: "You can do this. You've done this before. You can do it again." Oddly enough, it's the same speech my college roommate would always give me the day of an important exam or a high-pressure event. I was always sort of surprised to find that, for the most part, she was right. I would buckle down, deal with the moment (as I'd always done before) and then continue living my life, adding yet another notch to my life-experience belt.

The thing is, I don't know if the same pep talk can apply to me this time around. I am finally entering the workforce. I am staking out my claim on this world as an almost fully-realized adult. I know that my entire life has armed me with all of the necessary skills to succeed, I swear I do, but I still can't avoid the feelings of nervousness and fear that have wracked my brain and body this last week. And although I haven't voiced these fears out loud to anyone, I know exactly what they are. It's the pressure of producing tangible results, of meeting expectations. I've talked the talk, and now it's time to walk the walk as well. I want to live up to the hype that I've created for myself. And more importantly, I want to meet the expectations of the people in my life who have invested inordinate amounts of time and money and love on me. I want to make them so incredibly proud, but I've just never done this before. And I'm so scared of that.

I know that once tomorrow is over, I will have realized that, surprise of surprises, throwing myself into the fire is something that I can do, and will be able to do time and time again in the future. One thing I've learned over the years is that to be able to deliver, as clear-headed and as collected as can be, I need to create increasing levels of anxiety leading up to that big, big moment. Which is, ironically enough, exactly what I'm doing now. It's almost as though I need to be suffocating myself with a pillow first in order to be able to breathe.

I can acknowledge that this is all rather counterintuitive...but it's just my way of coping. I guess on some level it's better to deal with the emotional mess now and get it out of my way, than to have to deal with it when I get there. Or I could just go to sleep and forget about the whole thing which, after all of this metacognitive rumination, is beginning to sound like a much more promising idea right now.

Rojo

The Photodiarist

I wish I had the balls to wear a bold red lip.

Thx

I wanted to share one of my favorite blogs, thx thx thx. No need to delve into details, as the pictures really speak for themselves. When I was younger, I used to slide into bed every night and think about one positive thing and one negative thing that happened to me that day. For the most part, I would usually come up with an answer for a negative thing first, then scour through the contents of that day for something positive to remember. Looking back, I realized I was always just coming up with positives instead of actually believing in them. If that makes any sense. And while at first I was a bit doubtful there was something to be thankful for each and everyday, I really do believe in Leah's thank you cards. I might even start my own...

P.S. I'm thankful for blogs.

Trajectory

I wanted to begin by apologizing for the abrupt and unexpected halt in blogging. It's not that the creative juices haven't been flowing and moving as per usual. On the contrary, I believe that I've done more concentrated critical thinking in the last few weeks than I really ever have in the course of my adult life. It's inevitable, I guess, as I find myself in the most novel of transitional phases right now.

Job searching is mentally, physically, and -- perhaps most of all -- emotionally taxing. Never did I imagine that sharing the story of the last three and a half years of my life with complete and utter strangers over and over and over again would be this exhaustive a process on my mind and body. But surprisingly, it is. This is, by no means, a childish complaint. I've rather enjoyed meeting the people that I've met, and have been exposed to a wider array of companies and corporate cultures/structures than ever before. And applying to jobs and then interviewing for them is something that I am admittedly good at. No joke. In fact, I would honestly go so far as to say that I am disgustingly good at the interview process. Having honed my interpersonal chops in the course of my last several Recruiting-related positions, I know exactly what people want to hear me say, and exactly how to say it. It's a fortunate advantage that I don't take for granted. Regardless of this skill, it has still been immensely tiring repeatedly submitting myself to the hands of corporate fate and the shallow judgment of others. Who is really to say I am under-qualified or over-qualified for a position but me? I should think that I know my own strengths and limits better than anyone else.

The thing that's most difficult of all, though, is the reflective period that immediately follows each interview. After enthusiastically giving my spiel for the umpteenth time, voicing my questions regarding the position, offering my thanks for their valuable time and patience, and finally departing their offices, I'm always forced to look back at my entire career trajectory and re-evaluate the decisions I've made to get to where I am now. Rarely do I spend a lot of time examining and picking apart the contents of my interview. I've been finding that I care a lot more about the emotions each interview generates within me in regards to my past. I want to be able to say that the choices I made at every turning point in my life were the right ones, that every job I've ever obtained has been a stepping stone to bring me closer to this perfect job I'm so desperately searching for. And in the face of denial and rejection, it has been incredibly hard to remain sure of these decisions, and to remember not to second-guess myself and my life. As cliched as it sounds, it's been difficult to remember "me" as I continue to mold and adjust myself to the expectations of every interview, but I am trying very, very hard to.

Because I've had so many opportunities for reflection and thought, I haven't been as compelled as usual to let everything all out here, which I hope can reasonably justify the drought of blog entries in recent weeks. But sometimes it's better that way, I think. As much as I depend upon this blog as an outlet into which I can unabashedly pour all of my emotions, I'm also learning that I ultimately gain more and ingrain more from my interactions with others. Which, I suppose, is why I am pursuing a career in Recruiting in the first place. But this is only one of the many lessons I've picked up as I continue along this new path of post-collegiate wisdom.